Post-Industrial Parenthood

Sorry to hear that, Jeff. Best of luck in your new...

2012-02-25T03:48:32.863-05:00

Sorry to hear that, Jeff. Best of luck in your new endeavors. I'm going to miss reading your posts!

Hey Jeff, Sorry to hear that I won't be seeing...

2012-02-24T21:55:12.784-05:00

Hey Jeff,
Sorry to hear that I won't be seeing your articles in my feed anymore. I really enjoyed your writing style and your insights on parenting. My little girl is just 2 now and when I started reading your blog she had just been born and your little ones were around 2. Your articles gave me hope about the good times ahead as I struggled with the first 6 months which were definitely tough.

I wish you luck in your future projects and re-entering the job market. Tough balancing everything and I think you did a brave thing to take time away from your career to raise you children through these critical years.

Jake

Thanks for posting; I've enjoyed reading this ...

2012-02-24T08:38:50.101-05:00

Thanks for posting; I've enjoyed reading this blog. Good luck with your plans!

You're absolutely right, and its really frustr...

2012-01-31T09:28:33.001-05:00

You're absolutely right, and its really frustrating that as parents we suddenly have to reinvent what "doing everything right" means.

that was my husband!! and, i've literally neve...

2011-10-16T17:40:30.951-04:00

that was my husband!! and, i've literally never been more proud! :)

YES! Piss on the doorknobs. Then take a picture ...

2011-10-05T09:52:06.364-04:00

YES! Piss on the doorknobs. Then take a picture and bring it with you to an Occupy Together event in your neighborhood!

My 6 year old has been treating the 2 year old in ...

2011-07-17T08:37:16.104-04:00

My 6 year old has been treating the 2 year old in much the same way, it is awfully cute.

I love this..
"Lastly, as we don’t watch television with the kids,"
My 2 year old can operate netflix on the ipad, we lost that battle years ago... ;)

We raised two kids and are award-winning songwrite...

2011-07-16T05:57:12.853-04:00

We raised two kids and are award-winning songwriters (I was a teacher 20 years). We’ve written upbeat & funny CDs for kids & parents & co-wrote an audio book for kids–http://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/gennaro/id5999799 
http://music.napster.com/gennaro-music/albums/11579687 – target_tabs
http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/Gennaro
KIDS CDs- reviewed by School Library Journal: 1.”Bubblebee: Songs for the Young at Heart”–  2.”Be a Buddy, not a Bully”- “Positivity” & favorites from the other CDs 3.”Tale of Aladdin and Bubblebee”–Audio book in rhyme; update of Aladdin legend http://itunes.apple.com/us/artist/gennaro/id5999799 
For PARENTS– Songs with popular girls names–also good for parties 1. “New Romantic Love Songs for JESSICA, ASHLEY, EMIILY..” (ALEXIS, BRITTANY, ELIZABETH, HANNAH, JENNIFER, KELSEY, LAUREN, MEGAN, RACHEL, SAMANTHA, SARAH) http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/new-romantic-love-songs-for/id338387293 5.”More New Romantic Songs for ANNA, AMBER, SHELBY.. “(ABIGAIL, ALLISON, ALYSSA, AMANDA, JASMINE, KAYLA, LAURA, MORGAN, STEPHANIE, TAYLOR, VICTORIA) http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/more-new-romantic-songs-for/id338387816 6.”Gennaro…from Cool to Hot”-Funny songs & love songs– http://itunes.apple.com/us/alm/gennaro-from-cool-to-hot/id5999824
or Google: Rymar Publishing Co.

I love the 'family hug' thing. Stinking c...

2011-07-13T12:35:31.402-04:00

I love the 'family hug' thing. Stinking cute.

Two things occur to my utterly uninformed mind while reading this: It sounds like you have two kids that really love each other. Be thankful for this when they're teenagers.

The other thing: Anything can happen when Pip gets to a school playground, and his classmates will be a fantastic source of behavioural observations for him. It sounds like he already has the maturity and emotional literacy to be able to negotiate it.

So... yay.

James

Excellent piece. I agree that you can't put al...

2011-07-09T12:04:03.068-04:00

Excellent piece. I agree that you can't put all the blame on parents. I especially liked your emphasis on the economic forces at work. We do live in different times.

In the end, however, I suppose I am more sympathetic to Gottlieb's position. I suspect many college administrators and professors are too. In the classroom, the teacuppers, immature and entitled as they are, lack the courage and confidence necessary for taking genuine intellectual risks. Their parents also call up to whine about Jr. getting B's, which is just plain annoying.

I also think the idea that parents and children should, or even can be "friends" is disingenuous, at best. Genuine friendship is an intimate relationship between emotional, social and intellectual peers. You can like your kids as people, you can enjoy spending time with them, but you will never be equals--at least not while they are still living under your roof. Worse, to see your kids as genuine confidants, as some parents do, suggests a true and perverse immaturity on their part. It's one thing to need children as farm hands, it's quite another to need them as shoulders to cry on.

Being guilty of some of the vices Gottlieb criticizes (and shares), I may be a bit hypocritical, but I think you let teapot parents off the hook too easily.

I have a post about her article you might find interesting, even though it isn't as thoughtful as yours:

http://affirmativeactiondad.com/black-heart-better-parent.html

I think the big distinction here, Jeff, is what yo...

2011-06-24T17:29:51.258-04:00

I think the big distinction here, Jeff, is what you just said about "regular gig." Anyone would be overwhelmed caring for children full time if they aren't used to it. When my niece and nephew stayed with me during the summer when they were younger, I would be exhausted at the end of the week, even though I loved spending time with them. I wasn't used to the early mornings and the constant need for activities. If I did it every day, every week, I'd develop a rhythm, a pace that was manageable. Like everything, it just takes practice to hone your skills.

I also agree with Tara that sometimes women begrudge that good fathers get more credit than good mothers do, but that's just because equal-partner parenting hasn't always been the norm. Every time I watch Mad Men, I am reminded of how not responsible fathers felt for the dirty work of raising children in the 60's (on the whole, always exceptions of course).

I used to deny gender differences when I was younger: "equal means same" mentality. I'm more comfortable with our gender differences now. Men and women have equal, but sometimes different gifts. I see this all the time in my marriage, and my husband and I are definitely equals. Your children will have the best of both worlds with you and Ava.

Thanks for the book suggestion. The class differen...

2011-06-17T23:24:06.821-04:00

Thanks for the book suggestion. The class differences present in childhood play seem intriguing though I wonder if with TV, video games, and the internet the very idea of "nothing" or boredom that Schwarz was eulogizing is possible for anyone any more.

Tara - I appreciate your thoughts on the tone of t...

2011-06-17T23:16:26.521-04:00

Tara - I appreciate your thoughts on the tone of the "you've got your hands full" comment. The one thing I would point out in reply is that regardless of tone or intent the fact that this comment is considered a friendly, throw away line does communicate something about the embedded cultural expectations of fathers. Much like with the father you described who is praised for successfully entering the grocery store with his kids, it seems that the bar for fathers often remains set pretty low.

The question I have'nt quite answered for myself yet is: why do I care about where the bar is set? I feel offended by this low bar in some way but I'm not sure why it matters.

Anonymous - You are right to point out that the current generation of men is on the whole a very active and involved group when it comes to their children. That said, I don't feel as if the thoughts contained in the lines you quoted are completely off-base. They were born out of a specific set of impressions that remain strong in my memory.

Before Polly was born, we used to take Pip on regular Saturday morning trips to the zoo. One of the constant, almost archetypal, figures present at the zoo during these trips was the father who obviously had the kids for the morning while his wife was off doing something else. While these fathers were not necessarily clumsy or overwhelmed, they did conduct themselves in such a way to show that this was not their regular gig. There was a certain absence of parental restraint in their actions - they put cotton-candy in the kids hands at 10 AM; they conversed loudly on their cellphones while their kids ran around; one or two even stopped to get a beer from the zoo's beer vendor. These obviously were not all the men nor were they the majority of them. But there were enough that I felt comfortable using the word "many" in the lines you quoted.

"For many men, this implication is fine. It a...

2011-06-09T13:13:53.856-04:00

"For many men, this implication is fine. It allows them to be distanced and distracted when watching their kids. It gives them some leeway to screw up without incurring any real social penalty. It enables them to be little better than a third-rate nanny and still be praised for their efforts."

I think that's a pretty bold statement when you think about the amount of fathers in the current generation of parents that are actively involved on a daily basis. I don't know if this isn't the case with your peer group, but in my current circle of friends (and even acquaintances), I'd be hard-pressed to find a dad who feels overwhelmed by the idea of taking the kids to do something fun or even "being in charge" while mom's otherwise engaged.

Did you ever consider that maybe you're overestimating exactly *HOW* counter to the social norm you think you are? I mean, yes, you are a bit of an anomaly in that you provide care for the children all day, every day. However, I would argue that's more because you're a parent who can afford (in all senses of the word) to stay at home with your children rather than the fact that you're a man.

Someone gave me some advice once, and it's not as easy to remember as one might think. However, I believe it might be beneficial to you to consider at times when you feel as though people are underestimating your ability. (This is greatly paraphrased, by the way) - in all of your encounters with other people, assume that they are working and speaking under the best of intentions. While this may not *always* be the case, I do believe it is the case the majority of the time.

Thanks for another insightful post. I was struck ...

2011-06-09T09:18:33.441-04:00

Thanks for another insightful post. I was struck particularly by your take on the dreaded "you've got your hands full" comment. This is my number one comment in public and I have my own sensitivity to it - having five children, more than the socially accepted number! I am able now to look at it a bit more objectively and can tell that people don't really intend to be insulting when they say it. Also, there is wide variation in the *tone* of the comment and some say it in a genuinely sympathetic "I've been there" way, usually followed by "I had seven but it was wonderful". Those help make the bad ones more bearable. The other day I was buying milk and eggs at a farmer's market when the cashier asked if I needed a bag. When I declined, she said cheerfully: You have a lot of hands to help carry! This was a whole new way of looking at the situation and I appreciated it. Nevertheless, I am always monitoring my children's behavior and my parenting with the possibility of The Comment in view. :)

Another comment (regarding full time dads):
I have a friend who tells me that when her husband takes their four daughters to the grocery store, people (especially women) fall all over themselves telling him what a great dad he is and what a fabulous job he is doing. She is somewhat affronted by this as she feels they simply expect that she, the mother, would do those tasks unrecognized when, in fact, the two share parenting and work responsibilities. It probably doesn't help their case that the family is black - and others don't know that he is an engineer and she an OB-GYN. She's supposed to be the mom and anything he does to help makes him a Great (black) Father.

Lastly, I might add that, for myself, I think it's obvious who the "good dads" are and the "not involved ones". This goes for moms too. I don't assume gender has anything to do with good parenting. It's probably not the stuff you're thinking about that makes other people notice that you're doing a good job. Anyway, Kid Situations happen to everyone; the key is how they get handled. And, how the unseen ones get handled goes even deeper. Wish I had done better in some of those myself.

Thanks for sharing!

Hi, I'm working at Babble, an online parenting...

2011-06-06T16:08:14.490-04:00

Hi,
I'm working at Babble, an online parenting magazine, and I was wondering if I can get your direct email address. We are trying to select our list of best dad blogs and we may have a couple questions for you.

Thank you,
Hannah
hannah at babble dot com

I'm reading a good book right now that touches...

2011-05-20T12:17:02.941-04:00

I'm reading a good book right now that touches on this subject--Unequal Childhoods by Annette Lareau. Someone recommended it to me on my blog:

http://www.bigwowo.com/2011/04/blue-collar-vs-white-collar-values/

Schwartz is correct in saying that play has disappeared, but only among the middle class and upper class. Play still very much exists among the working class and poor. Lareau argues that both have advantages and disadvantages--kids who free-play become creative and happy, while kids who load up on soccer camps and baseball league learn how to operate in an organized adult world.

Thanks for your encouragement, James. I know that ...

2011-05-12T00:13:36.025-04:00

Thanks for your encouragement, James. I know that it is just a matter of letting time and experience do their work, but the difference between Polly and Pip with regard to personal pronoun usage at age two is unsettling just the same.

I don't think you need to worry about it too m...

2011-05-05T07:38:58.013-04:00

I don't think you need to worry about it too much. With correction and authentic input, she'll suss it out.

According to one model in the research (I teach child language acquisition) Polly's at stage one of pronoun development, where they use people's names. If you think about it, "I" and "me" are pretty tricky. They change what they mean several thousand times a day. Names are much easier.

At stage two she'll start to use pronouns, but usually 'me' for everything. Me do that. Me want it. By stage three she'll have everything in the right place.

There's a similar process of development with negative formations, and it's really nothing to worry about. As my friend who also has kids says, nobody gets to 30 and the only word they can say is "train!". She'll get the hang of it.

James

I wrote about her approach to music education as ...

2011-04-10T00:49:48.132-04:00

I wrote about her approach to music education as perhaps the one opportunity for sublime pleasure in what is otherwise a bleak and technocratic pedagogical regimen. affirmativeactiondad.com. "a banjo, clarinet and tiger mother walk into s bar...".

Anonymous - I agree that Chua's kids will prob...

2011-04-04T14:54:27.432-04:00

Anonymous - I agree that Chua's kids will probably be very much like her in their force and determination. For better or worse, kids largely learn to be people by watching the adults who are raising them. The good and bad qualities transfer from adult to child almost as if by osmosis.

As an aside, I'd enjoy hearing more of what you think about the book. I will not get a chance to read it anytime soon so I scavenge what I can from others. In fact, if you (or anyone else) wants to write a post about the book here, I'll be happy to publish it. Just send it to me via email.

Paul - You are doing the math right. It came out today that Chua's older daughter was accepted by Harvard. Here's the link:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/dailycaller/tigermothersdaughteracceptedintoharvard

Thoughtful essay. I can't help but notice that...

2011-04-02T08:57:02.351-04:00

Thoughtful essay. I can't help but notice that Chua's book release roughly coincides with at least one of her daughter's college application process (if I'm doing the math right). If so, I'm pretty sure that's one application that doesn't get overlooked. Perhaps I'm being too cynical, but I suspect Chua knows that even being the multi-talented daughter of a Yale law prof. might not be enough for Harvard. The only thing my mom did was help me pick out a nice shirt for my interview.

Thanks for writing this. Reading the book, I was ...

2011-03-31T08:40:54.697-04:00

Thanks for writing this. Reading the book, I was struck by how driven Amy Chua is herself. Now, even though she has (to some degree) let go of the control she had taken over her daughters' choices, she models every day the sort of people it sounds like they will turn out to be.

I frequently wonder if the expectations I have of myself and my children are not high enough - or whether I am driving them (and myself) too hard. It's true that it is difficult sometimes to step out of the American Dream perspective to decide what the end result is "supposed" to look like. One thing I am sure I do not want to emulate: screaming, manipulation, bribery/threat combinations that I think are just poor parenting. Seems like there must be a firmer, quieter, more respectful way to obtain the same results, assuming that is the goal.

John, thanks for tapping into some of the complexi...

2011-03-17T00:17:05.654-04:00

John, thanks for tapping into some of the complexities of when kids are ready to learn different lessons. I think what I am trying to do at the moment is just seed the ground. I don't expect either Pip or Polly to understand the role of someone like Daniel Shays in early American history. I just want a name like his to be rattling around in their memory so that their minds might be primed to ask about him when they encounter it again. As you said, an understanding of the complexities will come with time.

Thanks also for the specific reading suggestions. I'll store them away on my reading list for when the kids get older.

Anonymous, thanks for your thoughts on balancing t...

2011-03-17T00:05:34.543-04:00

Anonymous, thanks for your thoughts on balancing the time between the kids. I agree with everything you said and am working towards creating better opportunities for Pip and Polly to switch roles.

Pip and I still hold on to habits we developed before Polly was born and breaking them is more difficult than I would have ever expected. With Polly's emergence into a fuller sense of individual agency, it is understandable for her to be pushing back against us. The challenge now is for me to both appropriately define the time I spend with them and carve out specific activities for which Polly is the lead child. I'm getting there, but it is definitely taking some work.